Life, Love, Bullshit, and everything else in between

There are going to be days where you experience a moment, seemingly unnoticed by everyone else around you, which takes your breath away, the type of momentous occasion where nothing else seems to exist. 

There are also inevitably going to be moments that make you want to not live on this God forsaken shit stain of a planet anymore. 

I’m unsure of whether or not there is a trick to weeding out the shit stain days from the breath-taking ones in order to better ones existence, The Almighty above knows I’ve tried, but I believe someone somewhere who is surely more adept at dealing with this whole life ordeal, perhaps someone who received the handbook that was never passed down to me, will provide an adequate answer.

I’ve managed thus far by drinking myself into a not so auspicious haze of self-indulgence, forever reminding myself that leading a hedonistic lifestyle is far more rewarding, at least in the short term, than living one reeking of altruism.

At the end of the day those breath-taking moments keep me an arm’s length away from that ever circling yet always alluring grip of my good friend the Grim Reaper. He is the ultimate enemy, too cunning and inviting for anyone’s good.

I also find that I have been treated too kindly, not so much by life but by every vice I’ve chosen to indulge. Women being at the top of the list. I say in all earnestness that I have never met a woman I have not loved, even if it was only for 10 minutes, although the plight of the broken hearted and my subsequent qualms regarding said hearts have lead me to believe that this isn't a weighty enough statement to make a difference. Yes I have loved, but a more honest or damning confession would be that I have hurt and have been forgiven far too easily for the aforementioned injury.

Herein lies my dilemma, though I feel remorse for my actions as well as the hurt that I have caused I am also painfully aware that an apology would require that I not do the same thing again. Unfortunately that is not a promise that I can make nor is it even one I would try to keep. I have chosen the lesser path, perhaps the path the greatest of sinners take, I have chosen instead to embrace my hedonistic tendencies instead of leading other’s to believe I could be what they needed or wanted. As frowned upon as this may be, the idea for me is to be as free as humanly possible, and I am.

On a continuous basis I find in myself wants/needs/desires which can't be satisfied by anything in this world, at least not in the long term, so perhaps I was made for a different kind of world. I love far too many things and I love them for far too little a time.

This is where I am now. This may be the end, though i'd prefer it be the middle. Trials and tribulations lie behind and ahead of me, breath-taking moments and moments of absolute despair all around.

"Find what you love and let it kill you" - Charles Bukowski.