Heartbreak Is Not Poetry

Heartbreak is nothing short of excruciating. It's not a beautiful mosaic yet to be assembled, it's not a breath-taking poem waiting to be written... it's a shredded soul, bleeding broken tear stained glass on the floor of everything that is your existence.

It's forgetting about the pain for weeks and suddenly being stopped dead in your tracks, forced to catch your breath and do all you can to not fall to pieces in the middle of a crowded room, or empty hallway. It's seeing a reminder of them in every person crossing your path, while you fight the urge to run away.

Waking up screaming because in your dreams they're still there, but they leave all the same. you feel the touch of their lips on yours, their breath in the nape of your neck while you stand there helpless and alone, choking on the memory of their presence. It cripples you. Your chest aches and it throbs like a freshly exposed nerve, and breathing feels like sucking air through a straw from metres under the water.

Stop telling me pain is beautiful. Stop telling me pain is poetry.

Stop using people like they're easily replaceable. Don't treat them like your old notebook, the one that held all your hopes and dreams, pain and despair, but it got to old, too broken, too tacky. It's time to be thrown away. A heart is not a book, you can't give it your all and then dump it and discard it when you've taken all you want.

Heartbreak isn't beautiful. Heartbreak is walking in a haze. Meandering through the days without feeling, out of fear of breaking down and never getting to the healing. It's spending every waking moment waiting. Waiting to catch your breath, to not see the world through a layer of fog, to hear your name and not see her face. It's waiting around wishing someone could take the destruction that is your soul and put it back together, all the while knowing it's so very sowly reaching the end of it's tether. Nobody can put it back.

Walking and waiting. Walking and wishing.

Heartbreak is not beautiful. Heartbreak is not poetry. Heartbreak is something I wouldn't wish on my worst of enemies.

Broken Moments

You’ll wake up one day wishing you’d asked her to stay. Would she have? Probably not. Would there have been contemplation? Possibly. You never asked though, did you? 

So you drink and you smoke and you cry and you choke, forget what the world felt like before the hitch in your throat. It makes it very near impossible to merely think, let alone utter words stringed together in an almost coherent way. The stars in your eyes fade to black. The ending credits, to a movie you never wanted to see. 

Before, you would go through the days without skipping a beat, but it’s hard to stand tall without feeling your feet. Every step, every move, every touch, every glance, is a perpetual reminder that you are alone shivering and shaking on that cold bathroom floor. Pulling out shards of broken glass that are your scars, and the pain bleeds darkest crimson from the depths of your soul. 

Alone.

Your focus is on breathing. Through the hurt. Through the pain. Through the days, they’re all the same. Through the better. Through the worst. Through your memory now cursed.

Is she seeing things the same, or are you furthest from her mind? The wondering, wishing, wanting, waiting plagues every second of every moment of every day. 

You think and you sleep and you drink and you weep, you spend hours holding onto the things you can keep. It comes in waves and all but takes your breath clean away, leaving you broken and bare in the midst of your own sadness. You’re unable to fathom a path through the dark. The ending credits, to a movie you never wanted to see.

You know things will get better, at least that’s what they say, in those heart wrenching moments when there’s no other way. Every second, every minute, every hour, all the time, is a constant waiting game for things to move forward, for you to be able to pick yourself off the canvas that is your broken hopes and dreams, lying naked and afraid. Yourself. Afraid. Alone.

For everything, I thank you.

A change in the season, a change in the times,
adjustment of perception, removal of the mind,
removal of the mind leaving nothing but the soul,
an ache in every crevice, yet nothing left to hold.

Mind wandering to you, your star-lit gaze,
the warmth of your body leaving nothing but a haze.
Missed in empty spaces, thought of when you're away,
A general sense of longing, wishing you had stayed.

The taste of you enthralls me, lingers in my mind,
leaves me wanting more, more of you & more time,
more moments like the last, more longing for the next,
more tempestuous emotions abandoned at the wreck.

The moments spent without you are left to introspection,
of days gone by, fleeting dreams, never to be mentioned,
except when holed up in the abyss of memories soon forgot,
A longing space of life and love, and everything that's lost.

Your words have seeped into me, your lips they paved the way,
to wonder and acceptance for having ever gone astray,
I lie here right beside you, your touch it calms the storm,
of wondering where I belong, nothing left to mourn.

Hearts out there meant to stay, when you're at your most broken,
all your qualms and all your flaws seen as nothing but a token,
of all the days you have endured, the beauty that shines through,
your existence is perfection to the heart that's meant for you.

After all the talk and everything is all but said and been,
the hours you and I have spent laughing till the sun is seen,
have changed my whole perspective, made me feel at ease,
it's beautiful to witness your light bursting through the seams.

Meeting you has changed me, though the time spent has been short,
everything that I have learnt is something to be sought,
a long forgotten feeling, surreal as it seems,
knowing you reminds me of the man I wish to be.

Thank you."

Life, Love, Bullshit, and everything else in between

There are going to be days where you experience a moment, seemingly unnoticed by everyone else around you, which takes your breath away, the type of momentous occasion where nothing else seems to exist. 

There are also inevitably going to be moments that make you want to not live on this God forsaken shit stain of a planet anymore. 

I’m unsure of whether or not there is a trick to weeding out the shit stain days from the breath-taking ones in order to better ones existence, The Almighty above knows I’ve tried, but I believe someone somewhere who is surely more adept at dealing with this whole life ordeal, perhaps someone who received the handbook that was never passed down to me, will provide an adequate answer.

I’ve managed thus far by drinking myself into a not so auspicious haze of self-indulgence, forever reminding myself that leading a hedonistic lifestyle is far more rewarding, at least in the short term, than living one reeking of altruism.

At the end of the day those breath-taking moments keep me an arm’s length away from that ever circling yet always alluring grip of my good friend the Grim Reaper. He is the ultimate enemy, too cunning and inviting for anyone’s good.

I also find that I have been treated too kindly, not so much by life but by every vice I’ve chosen to indulge. Women being at the top of the list. I say in all earnestness that I have never met a woman I have not loved, even if it was only for 10 minutes, although the plight of the broken hearted and my subsequent qualms regarding said hearts have lead me to believe that this isn't a weighty enough statement to make a difference. Yes I have loved, but a more honest or damning confession would be that I have hurt and have been forgiven far too easily for the aforementioned injury.

Herein lies my dilemma, though I feel remorse for my actions as well as the hurt that I have caused I am also painfully aware that an apology would require that I not do the same thing again. Unfortunately that is not a promise that I can make nor is it even one I would try to keep. I have chosen the lesser path, perhaps the path the greatest of sinners take, I have chosen instead to embrace my hedonistic tendencies instead of leading other’s to believe I could be what they needed or wanted. As frowned upon as this may be, the idea for me is to be as free as humanly possible, and I am.

On a continuous basis I find in myself wants/needs/desires which can't be satisfied by anything in this world, at least not in the long term, so perhaps I was made for a different kind of world. I love far too many things and I love them for far too little a time.

This is where I am now. This may be the end, though i'd prefer it be the middle. Trials and tribulations lie behind and ahead of me, breath-taking moments and moments of absolute despair all around.

"Find what you love and let it kill you" - Charles Bukowski.

When you know better, do better....

So usually I'll add a quote in here at the top before I carry on with my piece, but, as you can see, the picture I have included is a quote, so suck on that... haha...

I decided that with this post I would share something a little more personal, bearing in mind that it is still very much new, hasn't completely worked out, and is still completely up in the air. I am happier than I have been in weeks, and it's all thanks to a little change in perception, funny how something seemingly so insignificant can alter your existence in such an unmistakable manner that you will surely never be the same again...

Here I begin, and it shan't be a tale of woe, oh no, but a tale of fear, triumph and of the unseen magic spoken of in the minpins...

Once upon a time there was a boy (and by boy I mean me, and by once upon a time I mean a few months ago)... All for dramatic effect;)

I met my girlfriend a few months ago, though we had had somewhat of a virtual relationship for years, and seemed destined to meet each other... I, being the aspiring writer/beach bum that I am, tend to be excited by out of the ordinary love stories,  particularly when being in the midst of one myself, and I start to forget the fact that it is real life and not simply a book that I am in the wonderful throws of writing...

I mosied along expecting things to go according to plan, and of course they didn't... There was an incident that left me feeling betrayed, and all of a sudden it wasn't the perfect story anymore, and I switched off, also putting myself in situations that were an utter betrayal to my partner who I had supposedly forgiven and who trusted me.

At the time, I was doing the best I could with what I had, I didn't know how to deal with the situation in another way. Yes, to many this may seem "wrong", though to me this seemed like the only way forward...

I was then sent a gift, from the universe, from the Gods, perhaps even from the inner workings of myself, the darkest parts of the deepest crevices within my soul that were crying out for peace, in the form of a friend who sent me the image depicted in this piece, and pointed out that the best love stories are complicated, but end in misery, the best loves are uncomplicated and triumph, for the drama that would lead them to the pit of despair, ending in a sinister crescendo, was simply not there... There was no need to heave along all my past baggage, all the reasons why I could not forgive this beautiful woman for a simple mistake, and instead brought her to a place where she felt betrayed, unwanted and undeserving...

We have instead decided to meander down another path, one where we have stripped away the past and started fresh... where I have begun by introducing myself once again, and by courting her from the very beginning, with a solemn promise to not bring anything into this relationship that won't uplift the other, a promise to always be honest, and a promise to try, regardless of past mistakes... We are using our past relationship with each other as a means of discussion, with an understanding that we are not the same people we can look back and learn from who we were...

We will do this often, starting over, allowing us to fall in love with each other over and over again, because we deserve it...

Love is work, love takes time, be patient and be kind to one another, remember that you cannot be someone's fairytale, you cannot be anything more than human, and you can't be anything more than the best you can be with what you know now! Once you know better, then start over and do better...

Much Love Freaks... Go and be happy!

The Epitomy of Loneliness

The Epitomy of Loneliness

"You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with"

Oh how often do we find that the hardest part of ending a relationship is the inevitability of being "Alone", and of course, being alone means that we will be lonely? Right? Hmmmm, perhaps not...





What we tend to do in relationships, or at least what I know I do, is we forget who we are outside of the person we are with, we become so focused on being everything that the other person needs, we lose sight of who we are and who we need to be for ourselves... relationships are meant to be a partnership, where two unique people come together and learn how to function that way, function together, not as one... Yes, relationships will always require compromise, but where we tend to veer off here is we start compromising on who we are, instead of simply compromising on certain things that we do...

There have been many an occassion where I have felt lonlier in a crowded room than I have in my own company, although at the same time there have been many moments where I have felt crippling loneliness when faced with my own shadow and subsequent demons... Most of the time when I have felt the crippling loneliness has been shortly after a relationship has ended, or during a temporary separation within a relationship...

How utterly debilitating that can be, never have I known or experienced a fear like being faced with the realisation that you cannot be alone with the one person you can never be away from...

Why do we feel this way, why do we suffer so when faced with our own imperfections? Why is it that on so many occassions it is easier for us to forgive mountains of transgressions against us by the people that we care for, the people who are supposed to look after us and have our best interests at heart, than it is for us to let go of the simple misgivings we have found in ourselves?

We hold ourselves to such exceptionally high standards, when at the same time we allow everyone else to walk all over us, and we chalk it down to them being human and the obvious allowance that gives for the mistakes they will inevitably make...

It's time to allow yourself the same misgivings, it's time to treat yourself with the same compassion and empathy we treat others with...

We are all living the same life, all trying to trudge the road to happy destiny... At the end of the day, we all die "alone"... Yes, there may be people around you, but we embark on that final adventure all by ourselves...

Don't you want to take that journey with someone you actually like, what about taking that much needed time by yourself to figure out what sets your heart alight, where do you want to go, who do you want to be when all is said and done?

When you are feeling the most lonely is exactly the time when you need to be alone, wow, how crazy is that huh? Kinda like the universe telling you exactly what you need when you have no idea, when you are lost, cold and shivering in your own self doubt and lack of self knowledge...

You are a beautiful and perfect creation in your own right, all of those "imperfections" you see in yourself are meant to be there, they are there to remind you that you are a spiritual being having a human experience on this beautiful planet of ours... Remember, the essence that is you has chosen this exact life, these exact challenges that you face on a day to day basis are meant to be there to guide you, use this time to become the best you possible, and learn to love all of your flaws, as much as you love the best in others...

You're amazingly fantastic you stunning creature you!!

Go and Be Happy!! Much Love Freaks...

Words vs Actions…

Words vs Actions…

"I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts."

There is one thing I am absolutely sure of, yet so often forget… What people do and say are not always aligned with each other.

A sad state of affairs I think.


How often do we find ourselves in situations where a loved one claims to love you, and we forget to look at their actions because we so badly need to be told we are loved… We so badly need to be accepted, need to be held, need to not be alone that we sacrifice ourselves for the words of others, instead of recognising what we deserve through the actions of the people that care about us?

Promises are simply empty words when not coupled with action, a promise of forever between a husband and wife is rendered useless when one or both decide to walk away because things haven’t turned out quite the way they planned.

A promise of “you’re all I’ll ever want” rendered meaningless the moment infidelity rears it’s ugly head.

Throughout our entire lives we are met with these moments, broken promises, realisations that leave you lying broken, shivering and shaking on a cold, hard, lifeless floor somewhere in the pit of your soul… Those moments that threaten to rip away all of your belief in humanity, all of your belief in yourself, the moment when the belief that you are undeserving of love starts to creep in. We all know these moments, we’ve all shared in each other’s pain, we’ve all spent time seeking solace in order to lick these wounds.

My question is this, when do we stop accepting anything less than the greatest? When do we start believing that we deserve more than we’ve let ourselves have…

Life is a mirror, if you believe deep down inside that you don’t deserve to be adored, and I mean properly adored, like a fairytale kind of love where someone will fight tooth and nail for you and do everything in their power to protect you from harm of any sorts, then you will never receive it, you will spend your entire life trusting people on the words instead of their actions, because you so desperately want it to be true…

I dare you to be alone! I dare you to be brave enough to learn to love who you are, exactly as you are, learn to love every single flaw you possess, every single bit of darkness is a blessing, every flaw that your past partners haven’t been able to accept, they are perfect for the one that is meant to love you. You will find him/her when you start doing what you love, start loving who you are and what you do… Be brave enough to stand up for yourself and say “No thank you, because I deserve someone who will prove their love to me, not simply say it”…

Love is an absolute battlefield, whether you are on your own, or in a relationship, it is always going to be hard work, and there will always be problems. I’m not saying find a perfect person, because they don’t exist, and people are going to hurt you because we all make mistakes, what I’m saying is don’t settle for someone who only loves you through words, find someone who loves you through actions, and when those mistakes are made they don’t simply say “I’m so sorry”, but they actually make amends, are prepared to make it right, because that is what you deserve my fellow humans.

You deserve nothing less than the greatest possible love, learn to give that to yourself, and then never settle for anything less than what you truly deserve.

Go Be Happy! Much love freaks…