Words vs Actions…

Words vs Actions…

"I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts."

There is one thing I am absolutely sure of, yet so often forget… What people do and say are not always aligned with each other.

A sad state of affairs I think.


How often do we find ourselves in situations where a loved one claims to love you, and we forget to look at their actions because we so badly need to be told we are loved… We so badly need to be accepted, need to be held, need to not be alone that we sacrifice ourselves for the words of others, instead of recognising what we deserve through the actions of the people that care about us?

Promises are simply empty words when not coupled with action, a promise of forever between a husband and wife is rendered useless when one or both decide to walk away because things haven’t turned out quite the way they planned.

A promise of “you’re all I’ll ever want” rendered meaningless the moment infidelity rears it’s ugly head.

Throughout our entire lives we are met with these moments, broken promises, realisations that leave you lying broken, shivering and shaking on a cold, hard, lifeless floor somewhere in the pit of your soul… Those moments that threaten to rip away all of your belief in humanity, all of your belief in yourself, the moment when the belief that you are undeserving of love starts to creep in. We all know these moments, we’ve all shared in each other’s pain, we’ve all spent time seeking solace in order to lick these wounds.

My question is this, when do we stop accepting anything less than the greatest? When do we start believing that we deserve more than we’ve let ourselves have…

Life is a mirror, if you believe deep down inside that you don’t deserve to be adored, and I mean properly adored, like a fairytale kind of love where someone will fight tooth and nail for you and do everything in their power to protect you from harm of any sorts, then you will never receive it, you will spend your entire life trusting people on the words instead of their actions, because you so desperately want it to be true…

I dare you to be alone! I dare you to be brave enough to learn to love who you are, exactly as you are, learn to love every single flaw you possess, every single bit of darkness is a blessing, every flaw that your past partners haven’t been able to accept, they are perfect for the one that is meant to love you. You will find him/her when you start doing what you love, start loving who you are and what you do… Be brave enough to stand up for yourself and say “No thank you, because I deserve someone who will prove their love to me, not simply say it”…

Love is an absolute battlefield, whether you are on your own, or in a relationship, it is always going to be hard work, and there will always be problems. I’m not saying find a perfect person, because they don’t exist, and people are going to hurt you because we all make mistakes, what I’m saying is don’t settle for someone who only loves you through words, find someone who loves you through actions, and when those mistakes are made they don’t simply say “I’m so sorry”, but they actually make amends, are prepared to make it right, because that is what you deserve my fellow humans.

You deserve nothing less than the greatest possible love, learn to give that to yourself, and then never settle for anything less than what you truly deserve.

Go Be Happy! Much love freaks…

Simply.... The One...

Once in a life time you find them, and when you do, you just know…

“To lose balance sometimes for love, is part of living a balanced life”

I lay my head to rest upon the broken shards of glass that is my wonderous existence. 

Mesmerized by the refracting light, other worldly colours dancing in the darkness, distracted by searing pain, pieces edging closer and closer to my ever flailing heart, there is no staying, there is no escape.

Left lying in limbo, on the precipice of something truly magical, the edge of darkness, the edge of glory, unseen, unheard and unspoken, there she stands…. In my dreams is where I come to be, the unlimited potential that is my unconscious mind is where I dare to be free, dare to dance towards the light, dare to leave the comfort of pain behind…

How glorious she is, how far beyond comprehension she stands, as if birthed by the star Sirius itself, brighter than all else in this blackened sky…

How can one mere mortal impact a soul so deeply, to the very core of me there is nothing to see but her wonder, her beauty, her bewildering existence, beyond consumed, beyond irrevocable, unequivocal the closest description, there are no words that could adequately describe the hold she has over my soul.

This other worldly being who’s beauty transcends the natural order of this begrudged society, this forgotten universe brought to the surface through the wonders witnessed in her eyes, there is no possibility of comprehension, there is no understanding the depths of her soul, where hers ends is the beginning of my own, the start of my own magnanimous journey on this planet… Her hand in mine…

Gently she whispers, “come hither” she says, all fear and worry utterly abandoned, stepping out through the darkness in this shadowy world, into her ubiquitous presence, all consuming, all encompassing, entirely mine…

There are moments in her eyes where all that exists seems to fade into the shadows, time appears to stand still, losing all depth, all movement, all change. These are the moments I live for, to be utterly consumed by her is a gift unlike any other, never again shall there be another, my soul is hers, for this life time and the many more to follow.

Should we ever let slip our intertwined souls, should she ever fall into darkness and be seemingly lost, in this world or the thousands thereafter, I shall trudge to the most treacherous of depths, through the darkest of darkness, to the pit of hell itself, to find where she may lie and lay my head down beside her… Forever… Though she be lost, together we will be found…

Here, There, Everywhere… Where Is My Mind?

“To be, or not to be, that is the question.” – William Shakespeare

In truth, it shouldn’t even be a question, right? Yes, I understand that in this soliloquy it seems that the question being put forward and subsequently answered, although extremely vaguely, is “why should one live?”, which isn’t the way I have interpreted it in my writing today…

It is quite possible, in my opinion, for one to exist without “being”, be present on this planet without actually living. Simply going through the motions, remaining numb to everyone and everything, suffering silent types who seem to huddle together in the background, or lurk silently in the shadows, not aware that the more they suffer, the more they choose to simply exist, the more alone they will feel, the more their souls die a little bit inside, every day, every waking moment.

Yes, this is how I interpret the phrase, more along the lines of another wonderful philosopher, Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try”…

In the end, I find my biggest hindrance to be my mind, the only thing capable of preventing me from reaching my destiny, the only force able to stop me conquering the world is my own personal perception or acceptance of what I can and can’t do.

It is my greatest servant and at the very same time my greatest adversary, everything that I am destined to be, all that I am capable of becoming rests solely on my body and mind aligning and my mind’s belief that I can accomplish what I dream. There is nothing rewarding about playing it safe and allowing yourself to be let down by your own insecurities…

Wouldn’t you rather live in a world where people chose to do what they loved instead of sit behind a desk and live a monotonous existence, simply because it’s “safe”?

John Green said – “What’s the point in living if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?”, and that is one of the truest statements I have ever had the privilege of coming across…

We’re living in a society where we're taught from a young age not to think for ourselves, to listen to everyone else, we are taught that things should be done in a specific way, and if you deviate from that course then you are wrong and you are punished. We are brought up in a system that instills fear in us from before we even recognise the choice not to accept that way of life, there is a hierarchy that you must conform to, we are told to respect our elders, regardless of their actions, we are told things like “I’m the adult, so you’ll listen to what I say”, when in actual fact all that is being said is regurgitated garbage that has been spewed down through generations and generations of closed minded individuals who are to concerned with other’s opinion of them to actually decide to break the mold and speak out.

Our generation now has a natural hunger for rebellion, we are asking more questions, choosing life more often, choosing to be free instead of confined to a box that no longer suits us… We are the generation of the brave ones, the generation that are slowly letting go of the fear of asking why!

This is my pledge to myself, and a pledge to the rest of humanity, for multiple reasons, but mainly because this is what we deserve, this is the point of being here, to start a revolution of the mind, start a revolution of the planet. Instead of killing myself doing something that doesn’t serve the world, something that doesn’t light up my soul, something that epitomizes the idea of the rat race and how we’re all simply doomed to be stuck in this hamster cage, going round and round on the same wheel expecting it to suddenly change and hurl us in a different direction, I am going to get off the wheel, I am going to attempt to gnaw through the bars, or climb through the hole in the roof, and I’m going to find what I love and do that, I am going to be a part of the solution for this planet, for the people living on it and for the people simply existing within the confines of their own minds, if we all decided that things didn’t have to be this way, if we realised we had more power than we think we do, that’s when we’d be in the perfect position to change the world…

Be crazy enough to think you can change the world, and be brave enough to actually try!

Go Be Happy… Much Love Freaks…

Not the droids you were looking for?

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone” – Joni Mitchell

As we trudge our road to happy destiny, wandering through these insatiable pitfalls in life, we embark on many a romantic venture, some more than others, some with a lot more vigour than others, but nonetheless, we all have romantic encounters. We all choose to give, and sometimes leave, parts of our souls with another human being, all in the name of being loved, the innate need and want to be adored, to be treasured, to be loved unconditionally…

One recurring theme we all seem to struggle with, except maybe a select few, is “the one that got away”.

Many of us have been through many different types of relationships, abusive relationships, relationships filled with neglect, one where you love more than you are loved, relationships where great sex is the only glue holding you together… Through all of these experiences we learn a little bit more about ourselves, and we start to realise how we draw the wrong types of people to us and push the right kind of people away, we start to open up to the idea that we deserve better, we actively look for that one that will treat us as such, and inevitably we end up getting involved with someone who by all accounts is perfect for us.

When this falls apart, or when we “screw” it up, is when the real wallowing begins, oh poor me syndrome starts to kick in like a bad case of the blues, you listen to the saddest music known to man, ominous sounds bellowing from the speakers, egging you on, your little shoulder based devil gently coaxing you into a pit of depression, “it’s okay young one, come into the darkness, come lie with me, you deserve it… wallow my child”… and so we do…

Well, guess what folks… As a close friend of mine so very often says, “Just feel it”, if you’re sad then be sad, if you’re mad then be mad, if you need to wallow for a bit, then wallow and stop trying to convince yourself you should be fine… Most of us have that one person that will haunt us, those “what if” moments linger a little longer, hurt a little deeper.

What we fail to acknowledge or recognise is that those people, those lost but never forgotten “soul mates”, may have caused the most pain and left the biggest hole, but they also woke us up, they gave us more of a reason to change and grow, they taught us what they were meant to teach us, they taught us how to love, and how to do it properly…

The truth is an old cliché–“If it’s meant to be, it will be”, or one of my favourites by Oscar Wilde – “Things are what they are and will be what they will be”… In the end, if you were meant to be with the one that got away, well, you would be with them.

If you’re holding on to what that person represents, or what you think that person should be, you’re neglecting the lesson they came to teach you, and you are doomed to repeat it, by holding on to them you are passing up every other opportunity coming your way.

I’ll leave you with another one of my short poems written specifically for this post!

“I lost my love, I lost my heart, I thought I lost my life
she came, she left and all to stay was bitterness and strife

I trembled then for days on end, I wallowed in despair,
cradling a broken self, the darkness left me bare

I pondered long on all the times I thought were naught to come,
through ghastly fear and searing pain, the sun hath finally shone,

she was my love, she was my heart, my life she'd never be,
she came, she left and all to stay was nothing but a dream”

Go be happy! Much love freaks…

Who are you?

Oh if you could see your beauty, if I could spend but a moment in your eyes

An unrequited love

A never ending yearning

The haunting of your words burn through me like acid rain on a solitary winters morning.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream, I cannot move, there is nothing but your eyes, windows to a seemingly forgotten world, A faint memory of a life lived long before…

I look at you and all wonders seen before pale in any attempt of comparison, if believing in magic was a prerequisite for life, my beginning would be now, bound to majesty never before witnessed…

You are my heart, my life, my home

Your words could lay rest the most wicked of souls
Your beauty launch ships more than history has told,
In the eye of the beholder, I am yours just the same,
All of me is yours but to claim…

Mere moments are frozen in time, unable to move, hindered by this space/time continuum, everything within you, everything that is you, is pure, unadulterated perfection…

Are You Unique Or Are You Simply A Sheep?

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known” – Chuck Palahniuk

Hmmmmm… Now that’s a pretty penny to ponder upon, and that was some solid alliteration if I do say so myself!

A friend of mine sent me an image with the above mentioned quote and it made me think about everything and everyone that has had an impact on my life… Am I a combined product of what they portrayed, have a plagiarised parts of people’s personas simply to exist with a little more fluidity on this planet…

I think the truth is yes, and no, with a little bit of maybe thrown in there… We all develop “survival” techniques throughout life, and a lot of that is realising when someone portrays something that others seem to be drawn to and learning how to portray something similar.

I remember watching it happen at school, we all tend to gravitate towards like minded people, we develop cliques because we need to feel comfortable, within those cliques we start using the same colloquialism, we start making the same jokes, dressing the same, liking the same music, and so it goes on… The Sportsman hang around with the sportsman, the smart with the smart, the socially awkward with their kith and kin…

The most fascinating for me was to watch the Nomads, the guys who seemed to effortlessly fit into any group they chose to join, they could be stoners, and you’d find them sitting in a dark corner or at the furthest end of the field talking in a language seemingly only understood by the inebriated minds you see before you, then suddenly you’d find them (or in most cases one) being asked to join the math or debate club, where the language was far more eloquent, far more pretentious than in any other section, or that nomad would be found at the top of one of the sports teams… Those were the people I looked up to, and the reason I did was because they had this game waxed, adapt and survive, survival of the fittest and all of that jazz… It became apparent to me quite early on that, because we are all essentially different, people handle situations in a variety of ways, some better than others, and if I was to get the best out of my youth and subsequent situations it was imperative that I be aware of these different reactions and learn how to adapt accordingly. In a situation where eloquence was required to get the best result, then I would need to be eloquent, in a situation where aggression was required then I would need to learn how to be aggressive, and so on and so forth…

Manipulation of the elements, which in this case is human behaviour, isn’t a bad thing. We put such a negative connotation onto the idea of manipulation, despite the fact that we manipulate things constantly on a day to day basis, not causing harm but rather aiding ourselves… We manipulate a cigarette by ashing, manipulate a chair by moving it into a more comfortable position, we talk to someone in a more respectful tone in order to get them to listen to us, these are all manipulations that aid us without harming another being.

Although this comment by Chuck is rather ambiguous in nature, I think that he may be eluding to this fact: on a daily basis we encounter people who change our lives based on the way that they act, we adapt accordingly, which is human nature.

So, yes you may be the combined effort of everyone you have ever met, and while that may make you “unoriginal”, it simultaneously makes you completely original, utterly unique in your own right, for none of us encounter the exact same people throughout our lives, none of us are the combination of precisely the same people, and not a single one of us on this planet reacts exactly the same way, in every way, as another being… Revel in that fact, stop trying to be “normal’, stop questioning the way you behave, the way you think, the way you are perceived. If someone thinks you’re weird, well, say thank you, because you are weird! You’re meant to be different, you’re meant to think differently, because the way you’ve learnt to adapt is different to everyone else’s.

Deep down inside there is hole in your soul, deep down inside there is a missing piece of heaven you are so desperately meant to see, hear, taste and experience, and everything you have learnt so far, everything you have experienced is designed to help you in that journey.

The best way to find yourself is to get completely and utterly lost! There is nothing more beautiful that a wandering soul, there is nothing more exciting than a person who has no idea where they’re going or where they want to go, what a beautifully perfect place to start discovering your place in this world? If you never experience what you don’t want to do, how will you ever find what you are meant to be…

Use your ability to plagiarise people’s characters, use your understanding of people’s behaviours to learn and adapt and manipulate things to help you get where you need to be, we are all part of each other’s journey, everything done, said and felt is designed to teach those we come across and those we come across are designed to teach us, help us grow and change according to our purpose.

Become what you were meant to be!

Go Be Happy!! Much love freaks…

As She Dances Among the Stars...

There will always be a series of defining moments in your life, we all have them, those major or minor events/incidents that undoubtedly shape our future, through decisions in those moments we are moulded into the beings we are later to become.

One of the most defining of these events is death, from the moment you first experience death as a child something changes deep within, you start to question your mortal soul, the very instant you realise your time on this planet is limited is where everything starts to change.

If only we were equipped at a young age to deal with these occurrences, if only we were taught that these events were going to happen and that we would need to make conscious decisions regarding them, maybe life would be a bit different...

Today marks the tenth anniversary of one of these events, ten years ago today an angel was snatched away from us, millenia before her time.

She was one of the most beautiful creatures ever placed on this planet, both inside and out... A gifted dancer, loving friend, worthy adversary in all departments, she would never shy away from an argument, but always had the ability to voice opinions or subtle corrections without making one feel inferior.

She loved music and dance, introduced me to God as i now understand him/her today, introduced me to the lyrical genius that is eminem, introduced me to the possibility of love being something healing as opposed to destructive.

Yes, this was the first girl I ever loved, though she never knew... Also, I wouldn't dare to claim to be the only boy to feel this way, wherever she wandered, infatuation was sure to follow...

I could spend the rest of the day and subsequent days/weeks/months to follow writing about how spectacular this woman was, and everything said would pale in comparison to the impact that she had on so many lives.

My point is that we all lose people who are important to us, we lose connections, we lose fantasies, we lose loved ones... Nothing can prepare you for those losses, nothing can guide you through the choices you make in those times of despair... All that I ask of you is be kind to yourself, recognise that feelings are not promises, lingering glances are not moments set in stone, relationships come and go because they are designed to teach us, they are there to help us become who we were meant to be...

I made conscious decisions to self destruct following her passing, I decided that love was a thing of pain, that people only came into your life to hurt you, and that the only way to survive was through escapism, in any way, shape or form... Chemical dependency became a thief in the night, but I welcomed the thief, fully aware of all the damage being caused and I reveled in it...

It took 7 years for me to look back and realise the lessons that had been brought my way, the utter joy that she had brought to my life, the promises seen in her ways, the gift it was to see her dance, and how losing her cemented so many friendships, ones that could not be lost regardless of space and time separation. If i had been aware of the meaning of relationships back then, maybe I could have saved myself years of heartache, although I don't regret these choices, as mentioned before, everything happens for a reason and without those experiences I may not have become the man I am today. There is no point in wondering what could have been, I am what I am because I've dealt with what I've dealt... Perhaps the reason I went through these realisations was so that one day I could share my experience and hopefully aid someone in a better decision making process, perhaps it was simply to be able to remember who I am and where I came from...

Treasure the people you have in your life... If you choose to love someone, love them for exactly who they are, not the picture of them you see in your head, not the person you dream of them becoming... Understand that kisses and gazes, love making and praises, all that comes with being enamoured is not always forever, trust that your soul knows what it needs... Life is a classroom dear people, relationships are but a teacher, too often we choose to forgo the lessons brought to us through our loved ones, we forget that it is a momentary lesson and we try to confine those we care about to a prison within our world. If something or someone no longer aids you, if you no longer have anything left to learn from them, love them enough to let them go, you deserve peace as much as they do...

We are all spiritual beings simply having a human experience, love as epically as you can, love everyone and everything, let your guard down, let the light shine in, lay waste to judgment and choose to get to know people instead of judging them by their covers, or lack thereof... Love is the greatest teacher, love is the reason we are here...

Go Be Happy!! Much love freaks...

May you rest in peace dearest angel, may you always be dancing among the stars... Thank you...