For the one who holds my soul...

"As I lie here in wait, praying that slumber would take me in it’s sweet embrace, slowly wrap me in a blanket of warmth and comfort me with an unencumbered silence, my mind is consumed by thoughts of you. The beauty you possess is unrivalled in this shadow of a human world we dwell in.

I am breathless, my mind incapable, body unwilling. Endless thoughts flow through my mind, uninterrupted, uncontrollable… I’m naked and exposed on this cold, hard cliff edge we call life, on your side there’s a possibility of hope, pursuit the only guarantee, pain inevitable, prize elusive.

Scared and alone, thoughts of you linger in my mind… How is it possible for a simple picture to touch my soul, a brief conversation set fire to the very essence of me… Every moment, every step, every breath, from the tip of my tongue to the depths of my depth, how can I long for what I haven’t yet met?

Something inside me belongs to you, your other worldly eyes pierce through to the deepest, darkest parts of my being, brief conversations stay with me for an inconceivable amount of time, the intensity with which I miss you is so much so that it makes the mere words sound unspeakably lame… I wish you were here, or I was there, no expectations, no promises, simply to feel your presence… Is this a self built fantasy, is this but my over active imagination creating it’s own world again, one where fiction is so much more than reality? I want to know, if there’s disappointment to be felt, rejection to be dealt, I want to be there to see it’s rise or fall…

You’re with me wherever I go, I treasure your mind, your words, your soul. The moment you leave, I’m haunted by yet another road not taken, another word not said, another moment I wish I had revelled in…"

The moment I first realised that I was made for a different world, or at least made to experience as many facets of this world that I could, was a brief 7 week trip to India that very nearly killed me...

I was not prepared for the pollution, for the heat, for the smell, nothing I had read, seen or been told could have prepared me for my first over seas trip... I was ultimately fascinated by the culture, enthralled by the people and their way of life, the complete lack of awareness of the idea of personal space, or the idea that one could offend another simply by being late...

I was captivated by the people, I was let down by my body's ability to stay healthy. I needed to breathe, and that required too much medication in such a polluted city.

Nevertheless, I left with a heavy heart... Despite the apparent allure of studying something worthwhile, having a good job, meeting the girl of your dreams, getting married, having 2.5 kids and living behind a white picket fence, for some reason none of that appealed to me, nothing about it made any sense to me...

Life has always consisted of a multitude of questions for me, if something "should" be done a certain way, my mind will always enquire as to why it cannot be done another way...

Let me introduce you to my first inner demon, so to speak... This is the inner battle between conforming and being free...

C.S Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world"... If I happen to be made for another world, but yet I find myself tied to this planet, the only way out I can see is to pave my own world through this shadowed existence.

I will find the girl of my dreams, but i'll find her in a gyspy outfit, camped out by the river singing lullabyes to children and strumming a Gibson...

I will study something worthwhile, because I want the knowledge, neuroscience, so that people make more and less sense to me the deeper i delve into it...

I will support my family, but there won't be a picket fence... There will be mountains of knowledge shared, education given and absolute freedom of choice... Should their lives lead to conformity, I will happily oblige them, but I will allow them the freedom to be swayed by inner turmoil, not outer governance...

Allowing others to make our decisions for us is so often our downfall, leading us into lives of addiction and escapism because our road to happy destiny is so very elusive... We choose not to hear the cry of our inner voices, we choose instead to listen to the judgment of closed minded others, we choose not to be governed by love, but rather to be led astray by the ever daunting foe we know only as Fear. In the end, it's as simple as this, the only way to be happy is to find what makes you happy and make that your life. Forget about the shoulda, coulda, woulda people out there, forget about the ones that try and convince you that you're making a mistake purely because they wish they were brave enough to do what you're venturing to do...

For all we know we have one shot at this life, I dare you to make something of yourself, I dare you to be different, I dare you to let your freak flag fly, simply because you were not put on this earth to be anything other than the beautiful heart you are, if God/The Universe/Bruce Almighty wanted us to all be the same, well, we'd have a lot of simple minded, boring folk running around and never really get anywhere new. You are who you are, now go and be who you were meant to be... At the end of the day, when you reach that final moment, nobody else is going to answer for your life, nobody else's input is going to matter, the only thing that's going to mean a damn thing is if you can look back with no regrets and go "Fuck yeah, I made it home..."

Go be happy... Much love freaks...